Reflections
by Alex R. Collins
Summary: Emily knows Naomi doesn't love her...


**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything, FitchSwitch is to blame for me watching Skins and getting this idea, and I wrote it whilst watching episode two or three. So if it's inaccurate, meh. I just had to get the idea out. Oh yeah, she betaed it too. If you like it, maybe I'll write more Skins fics. (Read: Naomily.)

Emily knows Naomi doesn't love her. Not that way.

At best, Emily is a pleasant distraction, someone Naomi can tolerate for the few hours they spend in bed, fingers and mouths bringing each other up high to topple off that plateau of pleasure over and over.

Emily doesn't let herself think about the worst. Nor does she think about the surprising frequency in which they seem to share a bed. That way lies only madness, endless spirals of "does she or doesn't she?" Besides, she knows the answer. Emily refuses to think about that as well. Naomi has made it very clear that she doesn't want anything from Emily except her body. That's enough knowledge for Emily.

There's a lot Emily doesn't think about when it comes to Naomi.

"Your body is warm, alive. Tell me why I'd want a cold, lifeless vibrator over that?"

She's only a means to an end; Emily knows this without knowing. Self delusion it might be, but everyone needs some of that at one point or another. Emily also doesn't think about how she never needed that before Naomi.

Before Naomi. After Naomi. Emily's never liked those separations of one's life. She sees how they can be appropriate—since Naomi's been in her life, things are different. She's happier, more vibrant. Her family's noticed, although there wasn't any way they wouldn't: she hasn't kicked James about for spying on her and Katie in the shower, Katie can steal her clothes in front of her and she doesn't bitch.

"So what if he looks? He's a guy, he's going to. Leave him to your parents and spend more time with me."

"I wouldn't want you if you dressed like Katie."

After Naomi sounds too final, as if Naomi has left. Emily knows she's not strong enough to handle that. She's thought about refusing Naomi's calls, testing to see if she really matters to her... but she can't. One warm body is just as good as another from Naomi's viewpoint, as far as Emily understands it. If she wasn't in Naomi's bed, someone else would be.

The two of them aren't stupid; they're both disease free and staying that way through exclusivity, but if she refuses to go along with Naomi's whims, Naomi will like as not move on to the next girl. That's why she drops everything to go be with her. That... and she doesn't want to find out that she's not worth anything to Naomi.

If Emily had an assurance that she meant something to Naomi, something solid and tangible, she might push a bit harder. But she doesn't and so she doesn't. This... whatever it is with Naomi is exciting, desirable and all too fragile. Emily won't push and risk destroying it.

No, Naomi doesn't love Emily.

But Emily loves Naomi. She doesn't know when it started or even how. Maybe in that first encounter. Maybe when Naomi cornered her in the library and kissed her without even a 'by your leave'.

Most of Emily's thoughts about staying a virgin, only liking boys—they seem silly to her now. However, she's damn certain that she did love Naomi before they first tumbled into bed that lazy Saturday afternoon, when Naomi's tongue and fingers ran over her fair skin, building a fire inside her that threatened to overwhelm her...

It makes her feel dirty, a little. Naomi was special to her; that's why she submitted to Naomi's advances, happily goes along with Naomi's plans and wicked ideas. Although she's learned to come up with her own suggestions for playtime and to offer her variations on Naomi's plans. It was necessary, to keep Naomi.

"For fuck's sake, Em, don't you ever have any ideas?"

"...what do you mean?"

"I mean you never offer anything! You must have some goddamn fantasies in that head of yours! I've had fucking better playmates than you; they weren't a bloody passive fuck doll!"

Yes, she adapted, because Naomi meant that much to her. And because she's not strong enough to live without her. But... she'd never been special to Naomi. At least not that she'd understood—as far as she could tell, she was just another... No! She doesn't think about that. Still, Emily resolves that she'll be smarter in the future. She won't do anything unless she knows that she means just as much to her partner as they do to her. That doesn't help much now, but it'll have to be enough.

But is it? Does she really want to spend any time at all as Naomi's lover, when it's just sex and nothing more? Emily doesn't know much about the rituals of sex from a realistic viewpoint—she's certain romance novels pretty up the act, given Naomi's strap-on breaking her hymen hurt like hell and she'd been expecting a brief discomfort, not the agonising fire in her belly that had Naomi fetching a hot water bottle and stroking her hair soothingly—but she's sure that expecting more of that quiet soothing time isn't stretching boundaries too far.

Instead she gets a naked Naomi already in bed; she removes her clothes with care—Naomi hates her scrambling about for them when she needs to get out of there—and then joining Naomi. They kiss, but... even that seems more of 'let's get busy' than out of actual desire. Emily's come to terms with the fact that a boyfriend/husband might not ever be in her future, but she knows that doesn't exclude a loving, cherished relationship.

It does her no good thinking like this. Because on the rare occasion Emily allows herself a moment of self honesty, to think about all that she won't... she knows.

Emily _does_ love Naomi. Even if she's not loved back. Even if Naomi is bitter, sarcastic and kind of bitchy... Emily loves her, because that's what makes her Naomi. She knows the only one holding her back is herself. She could just speak up, say three simple words to Naomi and either way, she'd know. Emily knows she won't. She might not have all she wants with Naomi, but she has Naomi.

And for one Emily Fitch, that's enough.

Naomily

There's never quite been a girl like Emily. They've come and gone, some staying longer than others, but one thing's been very constant: they've left when they'd gotten all they wanted from Naomi. Girls are more quieter about it than guys and a lot less selfish, but Naomi knows: all they're after is a good roll in the sack, just like guys. It's why she keeps Emily at arm's length. Emily can have her roll in the sack, but she won't be getting anything else from Naomi.

After all, it was Emily who kissed her first. No matter what Emily says. She's never bothered correcting the impression; the last thing she needs is for her life to resemble a Star Wars debate.

Plus Emily would be devastated.

Most of her reasoning for doing anything comes back to Emily.

The most prominent emotion Naomi can name concerning Emily is annoyance. Or it might be frustration. She can't tell, not that it matters. It's all neatly summed up in an exchange with Emily that she can't have. Emily pisses her off every single day, what with her passive acceptance of anything—good or bad—that comes her way and complete inability to speak up for herself.

"Anything you want to do?"

"Can you do that mint trick on my... on me again?"

She's certain Emily started asking for specific things when they play only because she yelled at Emily. Which frustrates her even more. It shouldn't take being yelled at to effect a change... but with Emily, it does. There's only so much explosion Emily can handle before she turns into a blubbering mess, though. Naomi's learned that through hard experience.

She likes Emily well enough, though it'll never be love. She's tried the love thing before and it's never worked out. Her heart will never again rule her.

Maybe if she tells herself that enough times, it'll become true.

Naomi loves Emily. Sweet, little Emily, innocent, vulnerable, fragile Emily. She swore it wouldn't happen. but if Naomi knows one thing above all else, you can't control who you love. The heart wants what the heart wants. And curse it, her heart wants Emily.

"Emily?"

"Mmm... Naomi?"

"I... I have things to do. Get lost."

"Ooookay."

The words are simple. Emily'd have no problem saying them. Coming from her, Naomi would believe them. Emily does lie—a fair bit if some of what she's said is to be believed. Emily wouldn't lie about something like that; she's too sweet. So Naomi believes. The same words from her, though?

Emily's taken too much shit from her. Emily can't say words like tits or pussy. She just freezes. Hell, Naomi could fry eggs on her when she has to say 'vagina'. So of course Naomi uses the filthiest words possible during sex, mocking Emily. She even scoured the net to find them and then shared the results with Emily. Ostensibly in the name of groaning about idiots... but really to mock Emily.

Emily can't be so dense that she hasn't worked those things out.

"Oh my god."

"I know, right, Em?"

"Some of these take euphemisms to pathetic levels... oh, _gross_."

Naomi gives her a hard time at every conceivable opportunity; there's not a single playtime that goes by without some sort of comment. There's little doubt in Naomi's mind that Emily knows that she thinks very little of her in one sense, that Emily's been measured and found wanting. The world hurts; Emily seems to understand that—she must, what with Katie stealing her clothes. However... the knight in shining armour is just a fairytale, a fantasy. No one looks out for you unless you do. For all her smarts, Emily seems to think someone will come and save her from the bad things.

It's going to happen only if someone decides it serves their own purposes. Gas, Grass or Ass: no one rides for free. What good is help with strings attached? Not much good, Naomi believes, having been the recipient of such help before. She only wants for Emily to stand up for herself, to fight for what she wants.

The world's hurt Naomi enough. She doesn't want that to happen to her Emily. One Naomi is enough for the world. There'll never be enough Emilys. Bad enough that there's one of her. It'd be even worse if one of the Emilys became a Naomi.

But is it the world hurting Emily... or just her?

Naomi rather suspects it's the latter. Because Emily has too many good reasons to disbelieve those three simple words coming from her. At best, Emily will smile and nod, thinking it some jaded remark, said only because it's something you should say. At worst, Emily will cry and ask her why she's being so cruelly sarcastic, why she ruins the phrase by speaking it without meaning behind it.

It would be this way, of course. Emily's like the best thing that ever happened to her and it's just fucking bloody typical of life that Emily comes along right when she's primed and prepared to fuck everything up. Still, she shouldn't be surprised; what in her life has ever gone right without fucking up?

An insistent voice in the back of her mind says Emily kind of fits. Not that Naomi understands why, but Emily keeps coming back to her. It's not like there's any reason to and all the reason to not. Naomi's walked away from a couple of people who didn't treat her with at least the minimum amount of decency. And she gives Emily far too much crap to pass a minimum standard of decency, she has to admit.

But Emily never leaves.

And that makes Naomi so fucking angry.

Christ, maybe Naomi _wants_ to be alone. No, that's not it. She's not the best thing for Emily, if one judges by looking at the crap and nothing else, but it's part selfish motivation. She's not convinced she won't destroy Emily with her ingrained indifference and bitchiness, however, if nothing else... Naomi will make Emily fit to survive in the harsh reality of the world.

It's the only true thing Naomi Campbell can give her.


End file.
